Parents Surprised by Distance From Adult Children

The puzzle is never what you give. It is what you see.

I speak often with parents who are puzzled. They have done everything. They have given money. They have offered help. They have shown interest. Why do their adult children say almost nothing? Why do they not call? Why does it feel distant?

Most parents think: it is because I did not give enough. Or I was too critical. Or I did not listen well enough.

Sometimes true. But more often not. More often it is this: your child did not feel seen.

Giving and seeing are radically different. Giving is: I do something for you. This can be love, but it does not have to be. An employer gives you a salary too. You can give without seeing.

Seeing is: I am here, I look at you, I recognize what you truly are. This is precious because it is impossible to exist next to each other without noticing.

Many parents give but do not see. They give money or help or attention, but they do not see their child. They see their image of what their child should be. They see their preference for how their child should react. They see their own fears mirrored in their child.

What they do not see is who their child truly is.

A child who says "I do not like what you think I should like" and no parent answers "that is interesting, tell me more" but says "you do not understand it well enough," that child feels: I am not seen. I am not real.

A parent who gives a gift while the child wanted something entirely different, and remarks upon it disapprovingly, that parent gives. But does not see.

A parent who always gives advice, unsolicited, that can be love. But it also says: I am not ready to listen to you without adding something. I must help you. I am not asking: who are you and what do you want?

This is difficult because giving feels like love. Parents often feel good about themselves when they give. It proves they care. But seeing feels risky. Seeing means: I realize that this child is not me. That this child wants different things than I would want. Accepting that feels like letting go.

Why do adult children say nothing then? Because they feel their story is not welcome. That if they say who they truly are, their parent will correct it. So they stay silent. They give superficial contact. They do not call too much. They keep distance.

This is not ingratitude. This is protection. It is saying: if I get close to you, I am afraid you will mistake me for someone else. So I do not get close.

The question for parents is not: what else can I give? The question is: can I see my child and acknowledge him without changing who he is?

Sources: Observation of family communication; John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; Susan David, Emotional Agility.